A Personal Epiphany

First Commitment  

When I was about 15 years old, I attended a service in which those who wished to commit themselves to Christ were invited to come forward during the singing of the last hymn. I think about three or four of us did. I can’t say I felt any great emotion at the time, it was more a decision of the will rather than the heart, along the lines of: “If I’m going to be a Christian, I’d better give it my best shot”. However, it was undoubtably a fork in the road. A statement of intent.

Some of my school friends were in the congregation and they looked at me with curiosity at school the following week, expecting some signs of improvement or even sainthood perhaps. They were disappointed. Nothing had changed.

An Outsider

In the summer of 1963, before I went to Uni. I signed up as a worker to The Derwent Convention at Cliff College in Derbyshire.

Cliff College was an evangelical training college for Methodist ministers. The Methodism I knew was staid middle-of-the-road and certainly not evangelical. The college motto was and still is, “Christ For All, All For Christ”. People descended on the college from all over the country, staying in various types of accommodation for a week of meetings, services, and recreation. The workers, mostly students, were there to serve the meals, wash up and keep the place clean and tidy, but they could also attend the meetings in their free time.

When I arrived, I soon discovered that my fellow workers had a faith much more real and vibrant than mine. I felt like an outsider at a party.

The first stint of duty was in a large dining hall for the opening meal. The hall was filled by the convention guests, seated at long trestle tables. When everyone had arrived and all was quiet, the master of ceromonies said,"Let's stand and give thanks". He began a hymn and then the hall filled with an explosion of song, heads were lifted, eyes were shining, every voice sang out in full volume. The hall seemed to shake. I’d never experienced anything like it. I had goose bumps. I knew then these people had something I didn’t have, and I wanted it – badly!

Re-dedication

Tuesday evening of the convention was always a re-dedication service for those who wanted to make a fresh start to their Christian life. I determine to go and make my own fresh start. That afternoon I went for a walk with a friend to look at the Well-dressing at the village of Stoney Middleton about two miles away. Well-dressing is a Derbyshire tradition - Derbyshire Well Dressings . It was a lovely, sunny day. We admired the well-dressing and then went into the nearby church. I sat in a pew and let God know I wanted to start again. I shed a few tears.

Epiphany

That evening, I sat with my fellow workers near the back of the meeting marquee. The service proceeded in the normal way. I don’t remember anything about it, I was just waiting for the end and the re-dedication moment. The speaker announced the last hymn. He asked the congregation to remain seated until the last verse but invited those who wished to re-dedicate themselves to stand during the first verse and then make their way out to the front. The hymn was “Love Divine, All loves excelling”. I decided I would stand at the end of the first line. When the piano struck the first chord, Pauline, one of the workers, stood immediately. I can see her now in her white dress, sitting two seats away from me. I stood too and we made our way along the row and into the aisle. Nothing in the service had been out of the ordinary. Nothing to stir my heart or emotions. As I walked out to the front the congregation were singing the last line of the first verse: “Enter every trembling heart”, and at that moment I began to shake. I couldn’t stop. I felt very visible and very embarrassed.

At the end of the hymn, the service was brought to a close and those of us who had gone forward were led away to a room for prayer. I sat at a table opposite a man. I’ve no memory of him or anything he said. I suppose he prayed for me. I left the room and outside my fellow workers were waiting. As I went to hug them, I suddenly felt totally full of love as though pure love, the real thing, had been poured into me. It was extraordinary. Love not just for my friends but somehow, it’s ridiculous to write this, love for everyone, for the whole world.

That was my epiphany.

The love did not remain. I wasn’t mine. It was a brief revelation of love’s endless source.

The rest of that week felt very different, as though I had been outside a house, looking in through the windows but now I was inside. I had knocked and the door had opened. I wanted to stay with those people, enjoying their fellowship and shared faith, but the end of the week came, and we went our separate ways back to normal life.

A word of caution.

What happened was an emotional experience and emotions are not to be trusted. As far as I’m aware I wasn’t in any emotional state in the meeting, which was conducted in Methodist fashion, soberly with no hype. I had shed tears in the church in the afternoon, but that emotion had passed. I expected nothing more in the meeting than putting down another marker, a fresh start. What happened was unexpected.

So, was it real or just my brain hallucinating. To me it was real but then I cannot separate myself from my brain. People may find my experience interesting, but I don’t expect anyone to agree with my interpretation.

What Remains

That moment has always stayed with me. I wish I could say It made me a more loving person, but sadly no, I am like most people, I love a little and should love more. Many love far more generously, far more deeply and far more constantly. Yet it was important. It showed me that love is far bigger than we think of it or experience. And that the greatest thing we can do with our lives is not to seek money or status but to love as much as we can and seek to love more.

I am no-longer a signed-up member of any church but I do believe in the teachings of Jesus and in a limited way I am his disciple. I also believe there is a source of inexhaustible love, that somehow exists beyond our senses and is available to all no matter what their beliefs. I don’t want to give it a name because words are inadequate and restrict. However, I do think when Jesus speaks of The Kingdom of Heaven this is what he meant, so I can pray:

 “Your Kingdom Come”.